I chatted with Uvika about growing up, in and out of things. I’ll be posting it in three parts. This is the second part. You can find the first part here.
Yeah, I don’t know if you’re this way but especially for me, I’m constantly looking for newer thresholds to break so now I’m like, I’ll just redirect this energy into finding every secluded beach in Goa instead.
That’s so true, though. It’s a big time suck to do drugs.
Would you consider yourself an influencer?
Give me a sec. Grabbing my lunch. It’s this lunch service.
Oh, nice. This is probably the only reason why I want to be rich so I can pay people to cook something different for me everyday.
I am all for paying people to do shit they’re better qualified to do. So, I think I have been able to influence people’s decisions. Some, I know I did directly, some I find out. I don’t think I can be intentional about it, though, I’m terrible at curation. I hate niches, I hate subscribing to one idea, sticking with it and having it be your identity. And, that’s super important for an influencer. Like, you’re a brand and you need to cultivate that brand identity and to do that, you need to have signals of your own through which you can be easily identified by.
What about it works for you?
I love free stuff. Especially, because I’m not super organized. I’m thinking of whether to talk about something or not. I have a secret Instagram that is focussed entirely on skincare. I’ve kept it completely separate. Nobody knows except my partner. It’s sort of a passion project. I have been putting a lot of work into it. My main, accidentally, has a lot of travellers because, at one point, I was travelling, at another, I posed nude for a brand. With the skinstagram, the idea is to cultivate influence in the sphere of skincare. I get to work with brands I like and care about. But, it makes me feel better about myself. It’s making me more accepting of myself and that’s something I struggle with just like every single woman on this planet. Especially, after the age of 30, you are required by law to start shitting your pants about how you look. I feel like the skinstagram, which is a community of women and queer, which is helping me overcome that. Everything involves European features, etc. but it’s nice to see body-neutral people, natural process of ageing. It’s also a creative outlet for me. I take a lot of photos, videos and I feel like I’m getting better. Other people like it too so that’s cool.
What’s the biggest drawback?
You may be tempted to people please- a lot. You might find yourself doing things that you may not have done otherwise but you’re doing that because you’re trying to make things happen your way. But, it’s also good because it forces you to be nicer to people which is never a bad thing. I need practise with that because I can be very brash. I don’t mind it with strangers but with people that I care about, I would like to be gentler towards them, even if that’s not my natural instinct. I’d like to cultivate a gentler persona towards them.
Tell me a bit about Lanky Strum.
It has been dormant for over a year now. It was my music blog, I guess. I’ve always been curious about new music especially in the genres I lean towards- acid, acid techno, deconstructed techno. I like experimental stuff. You can still rave to it but there are interesting elements to it. I had feelings and thoughts about music I liked and that became the space for me to do it. One thing I hear about my writing a lot is that it’s very dense. Since I do have ADHD, the way I express myself can be a bit roundabout or too direct. It’s never just right. I tend to latch onto pop culture references and esoteric terms a lot. A lot of the times the people who read my stuff are like- this sounds like it’s good but I don’t really understand what you’re saying. Which to me personally is not a problem. I needed a place where I could do that but without hesitation. I wanted to be as obscure as I wanted to without breaking it down to make it palatable for other people. It can also come off very pretentious. A lot of the artists and labels that I wrote about aligned themselves with me and I was like- you’re only doing this because it sounds smart.
If you had to pick between writing and making music, what would you pick?
Definitely writing. Like, I read a good book and I’m like- fuck, why didn’t I write this? It was something I wanted to do when I was a kid.
I feel the same way. I feel like so many more people would be writers if we had an actual system in India that supported them. Can you tell me a bit about your artistic process?
The only time I have a process is when I do skinstagram. Before this year, I didn’t do processes, methods or organisation. If tomorrow Instagram is deleted, I won’t be like- oh, no. It may affect my job a bit but it won’t be the end of the world. I can be a bit casual about it but still be organized. Right now, my process is not to do anything till the deadline, vomit everything out in 30 minutes, minimal editing, send that through and be like- this is what you wanted, right? Please let this be what you wanted. I take so many notes about the things I want to write about but I don’t. It’s easier for me to think than write. And, this is ADHD speaking.
Man, I have this generalized anxiety but I work with a therapist who doesn’t label it which works for me but the times I do end up taking a valium, I work better, I write better and that’s a scary prospect for me- should I do this? Should I go on anti-anxiety pills and write seven books in a year?
(laughs)
Sometimes, I end up taking 4 meftals a day for my period. I’m not crippled with anxiety.
Go on meds. The only reason I’m not on meds yet is because I discovered that I’ve been misdiagnosed which women are a lot. Adult ADHD is still a newer phenomenon. It was only ascribed to children. It’s easy to misdiagnose because a lot of the symptoms have crossovers- mood dysregulation, chronic depression, are both part of both BPD and ADHD. Some medication for BPD also brings symptoms of ADHD under control so it did feel like, it was working for me for a bit.
What about genuine addiction to pills?
I just don’t find them glamorous enough.
Dude, I have this very middle-class fear of addiction to pills.
I know exactly what you mean. I am constantly watching myself when it comes to this- there’s been substance abuse in my family and I’ve seen it destroy life in the true sense of the word. I’ve seen people die from substance abuse and I’ve been my own watchdog this entire time, for example, in Delhi I used a lot of substances but I was watching myself or things could’ve gone even worse for me. I didn’t really have a choice in the matter of taking medication because I was in such a state, I knew if I didn’t take the meds, my life could’ve taken a really grim turn. Some level of survival instinct kicked in. If you think medication will help you manage your life better, just do it. Don’t even think twice.
Maybe I should consider it. The problem was that I enjoyed it too much. Like, for example, in film school my vaguely shady British friend had unlimited access to Valium and he’d slip me a bag full of it every month. I’d take half a day for close to a year and everyone around me on film sets was like- Alina’s so calm. I was like- wait what? I would not use the word calm to describe myself so something about it felt very synthetic. Like, people aren’t really experiencing the true me.
That’s not true. This is the language of somebody who obviously has a lot of issues around pill usage. The pills don’t turn you into somebody else. That is scientifically impossible. They help you manage your body and neurotransmitters so that things which are getting in your way stop and you can function better. So, if anything, you’re more you. Growing up in India or any developing country, unless you’re the uber rich, you romanticise struggle at a very early age. It’s everywhere. Capitalism drives it of course. There's a clear benefit in capitalising struggle in developing countries. This is one of the ways this manifests. Getting help is suddenly not sexy. Which is why, we continuously date shitty men, accept bad advice, etc. We have to fight that.
Also, taking pills means you have an actual mental health concern and that remains the biggest stigma right? As long as you’re in therapy, it’s still woke. Anything beyond that is like- whoa, what do you mean? Is this shit real? But, thank you for validating the fact that I should explore pills. I also have like, way too much fun on them. I’m genuinely a nicer person when I’m on Valium.
There’s nothing wrong with being nice, Alina.
True. But too nice, perhaps? I don’t know.
Nothing such as too nice.
Yeah, I feel like back in Delhi, I couldn’t afford to be too nice because people were insane. Every third person there was trying to procure something from you. Especially with men, right? Like, you’d hang out with a dude for 3 years and then understand that all he was trying to do was get you into bed. Literally, 3 years later.
It’s true.
Bombay is cool that way. For as hard-edged it is, people can be real sweetus sometimes. What are your thoughts on ambition versus slow living?
I’m still figuring that out. Thing is- I was a gifted child, I feel like you might have been too. Like, when you’re in your formative years, you did excellent in anything you did.
I thought it was an Indian prerequisite.
If you remember, there were dumb kids in your class.
Yeah, I guess. I only did it because I was promised gifts.
Other kids were promised that too but they weren’t able to. So, I had gifted child syndrome where I peaked early and it was downhill from there. Every gifted child has chronic depression and generalized anxiety. I was supposed to do great things. What happened? My life took a huge turn, I never had to try hard. Suddenly, shit went south and felt a lot of pressure on me. I was no longer a gifted child but I was still coasting. I still had teachers tell me- you’ll do amazing shit, why can’t you put in effort? But there was ADHD that I didn’t know existed. I’ve internalized that shit so much. When you’re 32, you’re not even close to any of the goals you’ve set for yourself, right? No matter how arbitrary any of these goals were. Then you’re like, what did I do wrong? Which is an altogether new layer of depression. Because, obviously life for a woman over 30 is done. But, I’m also realising that nobody cares that I’m not achieving my goals. And also, I don’t know if these were my goals in the way that it would be something that would make me truly happy. Or, is it something I’d want to be known as having done? There’s a huge difference between the two. Obviously, if I want to finish a fiction novel before my 30s, it’s because I want to be known as somebody who did it in their 20s, right? What other reason is there?
This is fucking me up, by the way. I feel naked right now but, go on.
Well, welcome to my world. Every time I’ve missed a goal, for example, I have to sit and think about it. I can choose not to but I have the time so why not? I didn’t write a book before 30, does that mean I lack value in some way? First of all, why does it have to be before 30? I have to question my own motives, right? It’s very easy for me to beat myself up for things I haven’t done when I’m actually accomplishing a lot of other shit in my life that takes a lot of work. Just being a person is so much work.
To be a moderately functioning person, not even a high functioning one.
High functioning, who is she? I don’t even know her. Some things do not count or are accepted as work. We internalize that, we’re blind to the 90% of work we put into our daily lives. As we grow older, I’m thinking more about well, what would it mean for the world if I didn't write a book? What would it mean for me? Am I still happy in my life? I’m still working this out for myself. Doing something that you thought you were supposed to do is not a good enough reason to do it.
I’m just quiet right now because I’m like okay, great, thanks for showing me the mirror.
(laughs) Anyway I can help, bro.
to be continued.
Image source: Instagram