Dicking around with Diya: Part 2
Diya Gupta, informally known as Dova Gurp, is my best friend and has been pretty much since high school although she’d deny that vehemently. One of my earlier memories of hanging out with her is her duping me into believing she’s a palm reader and me turning up at her bedside every night to “have my palm read” and believing every word of it. We’ve known each other north of a decade and seen each other be insane, downright stupid and eventually, grow in special, undefinable jagged ways. She’s one of the smartest and funniest people I know with a kind heart and is the most excellent partner in crime (and lord knows, there’s been a fair few in a decade). So, naturally, we chatted. I’ll be posting the conversation in three parts. This is the second part. You can find the first part here and the third part here.
Tell me your favourite way to spend time alone.
It’s so literal but lie on my belly because it’s very comfortable for me, open my laptop, put on a playlist I made and learn random shit on the Internet. Reddit, Wikipedia, I go on these random rabbit holes which I enjoy so much. Recently, I learnt about the Inca child sacrifices. I learnt not that much but I still learnt some. It’s fascinating. I don’t want to think about self-growth or anything specific. Rabbit holes with a cup of coffee.
Tell me one embarrassing tendency you have.
I have a lot of them. The question is-- which one should I reveal to the people reading your newsletter? I’m very expressive with my feelings so if I’m hurt, I look hurt. When I feel happy, I look happy. People read that as being really naive or a bit intense. I can’t help it. I wish I could accept it but it really embarrasses me. I wish I was one of those people who was stone cold cool and who walks into a room and looks unaffected by everything. Which makes people think I’m quite weak.
That’s not true. I’m definitely weaker than you but my outward projection is that I’m not.
Dude, you’re not weak. I really think the only people who’re weak are the ones who can’t be vulnerable. People think I’m weak because I’m very sensitive. I wish I had a cooler filter to my face.
Tell us your worst memory of us hanging out in Delhi.
Oh my god, sometimes you could be a dick dude. I mean, you had this phase. I think we both had this phase where we were young girls exploring the city, going out on dates and meeting boys. But, you’d abandon me so much. We’d go to parties together and suddenly I’d see you disappearing into the darkness and leaving. But, you stopped doing that which is very nice.
Did I stop doing that in Delhi or after?
After. Actually, we haven’t gone for a night out in a long time so I don’t know if you still do that.
Dude, I think I know why I did that. Social anxiety.
But, I needed you because even I had social anxiety because I was a big faker. So, I’d fake it until I went home and then cry.
A lot of people have said this to me. Every single friend from Delhi back in the day has said this to me. Basically, I’d get wasted because of social anxiety and then my judgment would be impaired and the prospect of spending time with one person was way less intimidating to me than being in a crowd.
Ya because, we’d always have super fun pregaming and get ready. We’d get to the place and meet all of these people who were lame but we didn’t know it.
I thought they were pretty fucking lame even back then.
For a long time, I grew up thinking nobody was lame. I thought everybody was cool but then I realised people had this demarcation of lame and cool, I realised I’m lame, oh my god.
You’re too sweet. I grew up knowing everyone is lame until they proved otherwise.
I didn’t know about Delhi University until Class 11. I just remember slugs and monkeys and fog and reading Harry Potter and reading Brian Jack’s Mossflower series. I was blissfully unaware. I think I’m lame because of that.
Bro, are you mad? This is the shit people seek out now— at 30.
I don’t know.
At least that’s what I seek out. But in Dubai you don’t really have that option. In sixth grade, you know what’s cool, what’s a social hierarchy, whether you’re hot or not, how much money your parents have, etc.
It’s the same in Shimla. Kudos to my parents because I pretty much thought everyone was cool unless they were assholes.
I find really unnecessarily successful people lame. You know what I mean?
Not really.
People who have all this material success, I find that lame.
Do you mean like, undeserving?
No, sometimes it’s deserving also but it manifests itself as a fancy car, house, husband. I find that lame.
I know what you mean but I see it as a bit sad because I see those as people who’ll never be content with anything. I thought I was insanely ambitious for a long time but I got over it fast because I was like I’ll never be happy; I was miserable. Also, not doing very good work so fuck that.
Tell me about one least liked author and why.
Jhumpa Lahiri. Just her style— I just don’t get it. (sings in a falsetto) I just saw this book in my bookshelf and I realised who— I don’t get Murakami. I don’t get the hype. I remember reading Norwegian Wood, his first novel, and I thought it was nice but after that? Nope. He’s like, diet-diet Japanese Marquez. There’s better Japanese authors— Mishima.
And, Kobo Abe.
Everybody in LSR was into Murakami but I’m over it. It seems quite performative and not real.
Yeah, he’s the kind of author that inspires authors like [name redacted].
Yeah, exactly. He’s for people who’ve read him at 19 and call themselves bookworms on Instagram. Like, they have a pile of books as decoration.
One author you like a lot and why.
I love Bolano. It might change but for now, it’s Bolano. When I was a teen, it was Tolkein. Earlier, it was Brian Jacks. Bolano’s beautiful writing- subjects, places, sense of mystery of like, looking for something. That journey I really enjoy in books. Feels like there’s a purpose to it. I’m not a fan of first person, modern, slightly unlikeable characters unless it’s Ottessa Moshfegh or you or Gaitskill or something.
Tell me your experience of Delhi.
It’s a vibrant city but we only experience a tiny percentage of it. My experience has been a bit mixed and hasn’t been great and I wonder why I live there. Like, I’m looking outside my window in Shimla right now and it’s foggy and lovely and the air is clean and it feels good. But, Delhi has been tough. When I was in college, it was fun because you had transplants. You’re a transplant and you hang out with other transplants and discover a place together. But when I was suddenly shoved into the world of just Delhiites, I think for the first time in my life, I found it very hard to make friends and that’s still a problem. It’s so clique-y. Journos hang out with journos, lawyers with lawyers; there’s no mingling of worlds. I’ve always been a floater and not a group person. I’ve never been part of a group of friends. That’s when Delhi became really tough. I couldn’t conform to anybody’s fixed definition of what their group meant. Ya, it was sad. Some of my lowest points were in Delhi. None of my highest points were in Delhi. When I reached out to people who I thought were friends but they were more like, weekend party friends. It’s helped me become more reliant and self-sufficient. I don’t think I want to live here forever. It’s got pockets of beauty, it’s got incredible food, my family but it’s not the place to me.
I feel the same way about Delhi. Like, looking back, I feel like I dated people only because I was lonely and wanted a friend.
Ya, same here. That’s why we found each other and we were transplants.
That’s what I felt about my Delhi friends and that’s why I worked hard on those friendships. That's why in some friendships, I ended up taking a lot of shit because I valued the friendship so much since it was filling some void or something. Weirdly enough, some people were big bastards to me but started being nice to me when I was doing well. Shit was getting published, did my Masters, etc.
Dude, Delhi’s the city of social climbers who don’t want to work. Like [name redacted].
But, he’s anyway at the pyramid yaar. What social climbing will I provide to him?
Generally though. It’s like- do something. I really echoed with what Aman said. Delhi people with a lot of privilege don’t realise how lucky they are to live a life of comfort in a city that’s pretty tough to live in normally.
That’s something I’ve observed in Dubai as well. If you’re down in the dumps, nobody will pay attention to you. If you’re doing well, everything changes.
I have the most friends when I have a nice house.
That’s the thing. You’ve seen the houses I’ve lived in Delhi. The people who were okay to visit me and stay in the houses are truly my friends.
Like, the cave with no windows. You also stuck by me when I was really sad and not fun to be around. And, not a lot of other people did.
This is making me sad. We’re all adults, we live in different cities, we might make new friends but as Drake said, fuck the fake friends.
Wow. At least we have Facetime. Imagine if we sent Telegrams to each other.
Imagine if this newsletter was just a ruse to like, hang out with my friends.
I think it is a ruse for you and your friends. People don’t need to read it if they don’t want to. They can just shut it and go back to scrolling Reels or whatever.
Well said.
To be continued.
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Image source: Diya and I dicking around in Juhu, Bombay