I chatted with Uvika about growing up, in and out of things. I’ll be posting it in three parts. This is the third part. You can find the second part here.
This is a pretty cliched question but I’ll ask it anyway because I want your perspective and I wanted to put it down on paper in some way. What’s your experience been with the Indian music industry as a woman?
(laughs)
I was like yeah, people need to read this again and again and again.
Yeah, of course. First of all, I didn’t consider myself as a woman in the Indian music industry which is a clear identifier of how the industry operates because it makes the efforts of women invisible. So much so, that you don’t recognize your own effort. I worked as an artist manager for like, four year or some shit. I was good at it because nobody knew who Ashish was and then everybody did so I must’ve done something right. I did some visual art in gigs, I made some music, I wrote about music a lot and I promoted some clubs and events as well. Yet, I never considered myself a part of the music industry which is wild, right? It took a lot of my time, mental space and energy. The Indian music industry does not take women seriously unless the women are in a position of influence already. You’ll notice the same 5 women that are kind of propped up in the very male-dominated industry because they had some influence to begin with- in publishing, media, whatever. This is not me shading the women, this is just me pointing out how men involve women in a limited capacity. Not for their potential but only what they can already give. And, that really sucks. Not for me because I didn’t really want a career in music but they are women who do want one. They’re doing great work, putting in the effort but it’s completely unrecognized. They may as well not exist.
Yeah, I have little respect for the Indian music industry.
Yeah, but like, the creme de la creme of creeps are in the Indian music industry, you know? Rejects from everywhere come together here.
There is a very small percentage of Indian men that can be considered not creepy and I feel like that percentage shrinks even further when you’re in Delhi. It blows my mind. Men you’ve known for years and decades and then one day you’re like- wow, really?
Yeah, my role now is to just assume that every man is a dickhead until he proves otherwise. Indian men have not done well.
No.
Yeah, I don’t know how Indian men in music could do better, honestly. It’s such a deeply predatory environment. It’s not a place where women can thrive and it is that way on purpose. The barrier of entry is so low for men and for women, they’ll ask for everything you have. And obviously, you cannot move around without being assaulted- sexually, physically, mentally, whatever- at least once.
Okay, onto the lighter stuff. Do you believe in astrology?
Seamless transition. I don’t think I understand it so I won’t claim to refute it. Also like, I’m from UP so in my household, astrology was a big thing. As soon as a child is born, a kundli is made and predictions are made and growing up, these predictions are often referred to. So, I had that. You internalize that to some degree. As an adult, I enjoy astrology but I consider it more fluff than anything substantial. I’m not bringing it down, it’s just who I am. Do I have two daily horoscope apps on my phone? Yes, I do. Will I completely disregard a person based on our astrological compatibility? No, that’s not going to happen.
That’s balance in 2021 so congratulations. Would you consider yourself spiritual or religious?
(thinks)
Big one.
Yeah, I’m not religious at all. I can say that without confidence. Sorry, with confidence.
I was like brilliant- you say everything without confidence which is great, to be honest.
Hahahah.
So.
I do say everything without confidence. But yeah, I’m not religious because my family wasn’t and that was a blessing. We did have our own rituals and some of those, I follow today purely out of nostalgia like a puja on Diwali. That my Dad did every year. When my mum and dad separated, I continued to do that everywhere. I would do that and get out and get shitfaced. That’s a way for me to connect with my family. Because, I lost--- I didn’t lose but some dickhead did, not going to name who but it’s my oldest sister--- she basically lost all the photos from our childhood. That was super tragic for me. Whatever I can latch onto, I still do so. In terms of spirituality, I feel like I have a responsibility to care about other people and that’s that. As a person, it’s important for me to understand this world is not just about me. I’m spiritual when it comes to this planet. I love being here. I love every single place I’ve visited. It makes me deeply happy. Every single place has moved me and that has to have some power that you can’t grasp and I believe in that power.
What makes your partnership successful?
Because I’m a Capricorn Sun and Lu is a Cancer Sun.
(laughs)
Well, no. Although that’s true, first of all, he didn’t have any big shoes to fill. I dated some absolute fucking monsters. The bar for him was very low and in a way, it was also very high. When I met him, that was the first time in my life, I had deliberately avoided dating people. I'd perpetually been in relationships since the age of 13. I’d never been out of a relationship for longer than a month, maybe two which was a really messed up thing. I had no idea how to be by myself. I also had no idea how to say no because not all of these relationships I got into were ones I wanted actively. They were offered to me and I took them which is not how one should be getting into relationships, of course. After my last traumatic relationship which really did me in, it kind of broke me. I decided to take steps to make my life different in whatever ways I could. I didn’t date anybody for a year or two years. Finally, I was able to exercise my no muscle. When I met him, I was quite happy by myself. I was enjoying being alone. It was fun to be me for a second, you know? I had moved into my own apartment in Goa and I was just really excited by my prospects.
What do you like about Lu?
No.1 - he’s not a predator. You’d think this wouldn’t be on the form but it is. He knows his worth. He’s not walking around constantly anxious about whether he deserves to be in the world and then taking it out on others. He has a level of confidence in himself and what he has to offer that makes him be nicer to others. He pushes me to be better. It’s the biggest cliche in the world. He’s the kind of person who’d go on Youtube to learn something and then learn it. That’s a wild concept to me. I don’t understand such improvement because, you know, I was a gifted child and I didn’t need to work on anything but suddenly, the world went to shit and nothing was working out for me and I was like- I am perfect so obviously, there’s something wrong with the world and not with me. You see a person close to you, who you already think is the most wonderful person in the world, and they’re still trying to improve themselves in some ways, it makes me think like fuck--- maybe I should be doing that too. He’s just a normal person and I haven’t dated normal people before. This is a departure from my usual suspects.
Thoughts on marriage?
Nah. Like, no. I understand its value from a legal and logistical standpoint. I guess I do understand marriage but not weddings. I understand parties but not wedding style parties.
Tell me the one in your life you’re grateful for.
I’m grateful for some people I met. Some are alive, some are not, unfortunately. And, I met them when I didn’t have a lot of hope for what was going to happen in my life. I was lucky enough to meet people who saw me--- didn’t see me as a project to be fixed, didn’t see me as an interesting phenomenon to be analyzed, didn’t see me as somebody to be exploited either. They saw someone who was struggling. I’m referring to this woman, this woman called Keya Ma. I met her in 2015-16, through a friend who’s not a particularly good friend. In our first meeting, she asked me to come live with her for a few days. She said I’ll help you develop a routine so you wake up at the same time and go to bed at the same time. I stayed with her for a couple of weeks and she lived close to my own family. Ten minutes auto ride away. It was easy for me to go back and forth. She took me in and the only things she made me do was she’d never let me sleep past 9 am. She would ask me to be present for dinner by 8 pm. Her only expectation was for me to have meals with her at the table. If I wanted, I could go back to sleep. If I wasn’t going to make it for dinner, if I was out for the night or whatever, I had to inform her one hour in advance. After breakfast, I had to take my meds for mood dysregulation and I had to comb my hair and shower everyday.
I spent every single one of those breakfasts crying into my bowl of breakfast because, well, for a lot of reasons. She didn’t bat an eyelid. She was like, yeah okay. This is just a very brief description of one of those things for me. Her presence alone was a big turning point for me. It was really cool to meet a person who’d gone through a lot in her life--- she’d beat cancer, a disease that took a few of her fingers away, her husband died by suicide very early and there was history of mental illness in the family. She came from a well educated, well to do family, super smart, well spoken, well informed. Generally, had good opinions even though she was pushing 80 when I met her. So, she wasn’t a bigot which is to be expected from people her age. Very open-minded and very intelligent. It was very nice to be acknowledged by a person like that. And, be reminded by them that I am smart, capable, I have things going for me, in a very matter of fact way.
At the time, my mom had passed away two years ago and I was feeling very displaced, I hadn’t processed it. I don’t think I’ll ever process it. It was still very raw at that time and finding her by sheer accident and having her stay in my life and me staying in her life was an incredible stroke of luck. I was very grateful for that. When Lu met me, I’d already had a little bit of a transformation. I don’t know what he would have seen before that or if he’d have liked what he saw or if I would have pushed myself into that orbit.
I’m grateful for her and another woman who’s since then entered my life--- Lu’s mother--- you can see I have a thing for mothers. Lu’s mother is not a mother figure for me, she’s a friend. I really enjoy being a part of other women’s lives, you know? It allows me to be a bit tender. If I’m among men, I don’t get the opportunity to do that. And even if I did, I’d rather not because fuck men. Women give me the opportunity to make me softer for my own sake, as well as their own, but just to be gentler to myself.
Tell me the one thing you wish you hadn’t done.
There’s a lot of men I wish I hadn’t met, you know what I mean? The thing is that I do believe things are interconnected. Everything I’ve done has led me here and I’m afraid that if I hadn’t done any one of those things, I wouldn’t be here today. I cannot bear the thought of not being here today. It’s all been worth it.
Tell me about the one day in the recent past you had a lot of fun.
I kind of have fun everyday now which is kind of new. I’m pushing myself at work a lot because I’m working for somebody who’s smarter than I am. That’s a very rare occurrence. It’s all I really need. I’m enjoying pushing myself harder than ever. I really like to take my time and go around town on my own, take photographs. We went to look for dolphins so that was great. On a boat trip. Sadly, Lu and I don’t do this a lot since most of our time is spent working and I’d rather do it with him. I’d do it with my friends but I’ve alienated everybody living around me currently. It was a nice day because our free time coincided. It wasn’t a guarantee that we’d see them because they are wild animals but the coastline is so beautiful, the boat trip is worth it, dolphins are not. We did end up spotting them, though. We saw them hunting, playing with their food and it was fun to watch because they weren’t playing with us.
Finit.
Image source: Instagram